I don’t recognise myself anymore.

This blog series focusses on the feelings and worries we face after leaving an abusive situation.  If you are in a situation that is unsafe or dangerous you deserve safety.  Please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247.

I really thought that once I had left my marriage everything would just fall into place and the peace I craved would be right there waiting for me.  Boy was I wrong!  

I’m not talking about the systemic challenges either, the housing, finance and legal battles.  Those are real, and they matter.   But I was not prepared for what happened on a personal, emotional level.

When we spend a long period of time in survival mode our brains operate differently.  It becomes hard to think about the future or process emotions because our brains and bodies remain on high alert, waiting for the next incident.  

This is called hypervigilance.  It’s when your brain and body are constantly scanning for danger – even when the danger is no longer there.  

As we begin to move into safety, the parts of our brain that have been ‘offline’ come back.  And with that can come wave after wave of emotion that we’ve been holding onto when life didn’t feel safe..  Greif, anger, sadness – all the feelings you didn’t have the space or safety to process before.

For me this didn’t look calm or peaceful.  It looked like not wanting to get out of bed, being late for everything and drinking way more alcohol than I should have.  I was so driven by anger that I felt like I was trying to push some kind of self-destruct button.  My children, who had already had a tough start, were left with a single parent who was barely functioning let alone parenting.  I felt like I was failing at everything,

This part was messy, really messy.  I didn’t recognise myself and I didn’t understand why I was finding it so hard to cope.  Looking back now, I can see that I was overwhelmed, and I didn’t know what to do with it.   Understanding about how the brain and body process trauma has helped me make sense of that overwhelm.

If this is where you are now, feeling stuck in a cycle of pain and emotions that feel out of control, I want you to know that you aren’t alone.  Just because it feels messy right now doesn’t mean you have made the wrong decision.  That just because you are struggling right now doesn’t mean you aren’t coping.  And just because everything hasn’t fallen into place straight away doesn’t mean that it won’t.  You aren’t failing, you are healing.

Slowly, things will start to change.  The pain begins to dull, and the emotions become less overwhelming.  You will start to notice small, unexpected moments where you feel like yourself again.  And notice these!  I have heard these moments described as ‘glimmers’, the opposite of triggers. We often become very aware of our triggers and work hard to manage them, but don’t forget to notice the glimmers too.  These matter so much, they are signs your nervous system is settling, that your mind and body is beginning to recognise safety.

 

Anchored in Hope exists to support you in this space. You can find out more about the support available by visiting our What’s Coming Up page, whenever you feel ready.